


Afraid of me?

by NicolasZoldyck



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Leorio is really just mentioned..., M/M, spoilers for anime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:48:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23744086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicolasZoldyck/pseuds/NicolasZoldyck
Summary: In which Killua deals with things he doesn't want to, Kurapika is supportive of everyone, and Gon understands his faults.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 5
Kudos: 42





	Afraid of me?

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a comic made by @theyoungdoyler on twitter. More information at the end.

In the moments Killua allowed himself to remember Gon, nothing bled yet his heart beat uncontrollably, his hair stood on end, and the familiar feeling of nen fizzled under his skin. His fingers twitched and breathing burned his lungs. Blood rushed, filling his ears with the sound of rushing water, and sweat formed pools in the dumps of his body.

Gon's self-control slipped through his friend’s fingers resulting in anger and pain. His brain couldn't stop reminding him the way Pitou's bones cracked under the force of Gon's fists and kicks. The blue blood smeared on Gon's face, knuckles, and legs. The emptiness of his friend's eyes. The hulking figure of Gon's body, turned into a tall man with wide shoulders and muscular legs.

He saw the monster lurking just under the smiles and laughs. Seen the vast and unrelenting fury. The destruction. The blood. The broken limbs and mangled body.

None of that mattered.

Killua would forget for as long as his mind allowed. He would smile and laugh with his sister. He would run around the world, trying new things and showing Alluka the things he already knew. He would meet up with Ikalgo, Leorio, Palm, and Shoot. Talk to Kurapika if he answered the phone. He didn't mind lying for his friends, his sister. He didn't deserve his sister if he couldn't even pretend that the festering wound in his brain didn't hurt.

It was simple.

Be the older brother. Be supportive and loving. Be cautious and strict, but let her have fun and make friends.

He could pretend for everyone else, it was his own mind that pulled him down.

Some nights he took showers that lasted hours. Some nights he couldn't sleep without dreaming. Some nights, in the solitude of his bed, Killua couldn't shake the feeling of dread as he saw his friend lose control again, and again, and again. Heard his friend tell him he didn't care about Kite. About Gon. It never stopped hurting.

The dreams came slow at first. A tidal wave of memories. Silence followed by a short command to go. Escalating to yelling and panic. Staying asleep would cause the cycle to repeat and waking up would pour bleach on the wound.

"Big brother?" Soft rapping on the bathroom door broke Killua from his thoughts. "Are you alright? It's been a while."

Killua's knees protested as he stood up, off the bathroom floor. "I'm fine, Alluka." He forced a smile on his face and opened the door. Alluka stood in a big sweatshirt only a couple inches shorter than Killua. He stepped out letting her get by, "be careful, I got lost in there." Alluka responded with a dry laugh, a roll of her eyes, and a smile.

"Get some sleep. You look tired."

"I'm gonna try calling Kurapika again." Killua waved his phone in front of her.

"He's still not answering?" Alluka walked to the sink, getting her toothbrush and toothpaste.

"Nah, it's been a couple months since he answered last."

She hummed, "good luck."

Killua didn't miss the way they avoided speaking about Gon. It had been three years, nine months, and one week since Killua last talked to Gon. Somehow still not long enough to erase the memory of his breakdown. The good memories of Killua came easy when telling others of their adventures. The bad memories always reared their head when he thought of his friend in the solitude of his own mind.

He walked out of the small cabin he and Alluka were living in until she finished school. He dialed the familiar number. It rang once then went directly to voicemail. Killua tried again with a sigh.

"Hello?" The voice sounded tired.

"Kurapika? This is Killlua." Killua stood straight, surprised the man answered his phone.

"Oh hello, Killua. It's been a while since we last spoke. How are you?" Kurapika sounded lighter. Killua couldn't say he sounded happy, but his voice didn't carry that weight it usually did.

"And whose fault is that? Why are you always so busy?"

"I suppose you have a point. Gon contacted me."

Killua frowned, "Is that why you answered? Cause he said something stupid or whatever."

"No, I answered because I'm available and I miss you, Gon, and Leorio. But seeing as we are on that subject, are you still avoiding Gon?" Kurapika shifted causing Killua to hear a ruffle of clothing and what he assumed were sheets.

"I'm avoiding everyone. Gotta make sure Alluka finishes school and is ready for the next step."

"Forgive me if I'm being forward, but you cannot hide behind your sister forever. There will be a time you must confront your own mind."

"I confront that every night and it seems I never win."

"I'm sorry, Killua." Killua could hear the frown in Kurapika's voice. "You are one of the few most deserving of happiness."

"Thanks." Killua leaned against the cabin wall, looking up at the night sky. "Alluka is finishing school in a month. She's doing really good."

"Really? That's good to hear."

Silence filled the call. Killua waited for Kurapika to comment on his unsaid question.

Only a few moments passed before the Kurta spoke, "you may come see me whenever you need to, Killua. You are always welcome into my home."

"Thanks, Kurapika."

"Of course."

"I'll send you details when I can. Night."

"Okay. Goodnight."

~~~

Thinking about his white-haired enigma came naturally to Gon. His only best friend in the whole world. He couldn’t help the grin that crossed his face as memories of the boy laughing, teasing, and fighting crossed his mind. Gon sighed sitting up on the cool grass, looking up at the dark sky lit up by millions of stars. If Killua were here, they would be talking about the next hunt, some new candy, or the location of one of their other friends. Gon wouldn’t be able to stop smiling and Killua would only make him laugh harder. Maybe Alluka would be with them. Maybe Killua would leave her with Aunt Mito to do girly stuff so he and Killua could catch up.

Almost four years of radio silence, and it killed Gon every day.

He messed up. Back when he dealt with Pitou. It was hard to remember when he first woke up, but the memories came back slowly. The insatiable rage that consumed him. The frustration at Killua for always being under control. He was a child. He’d never mess up like that again. He’d wait to contact Killua until Gon was good enough for him.

He could wait.

He will wait.

Killua deserved a better friend than he had been.

Gon didn't know when they stopped talking. It happened slowly. Calls became shorter until they stopped happening at all. Emails slowly fizzled out as months became years. Then a full year had passed without any contact and Gon's heart ached at the loss of what felt like a limb.

But none of that mattered. Not until Gon got himself under control. Until he could understand Killua. Until he could stop being reckless and think. He refused to stop following his instinct but he understood his abuse of Killua's loyalty. He could do better. Be better.

He could do it for Killua. Even if the result ended in only one conversation with his friend. It would be worth it to just hear his voice. To get teased about being embarrassing. To hold Killua's hand. To explore the island. To go anywhere Killua wanted to go.

He spent three years working for a chance to be with Killua again, and he would never stop.

“What are you doing?” Aunt Mito walked up to Gon, basket in hand. “It’s almost time for bed.”

Gon shrugged, a serene smile on his face, “I miss Killua.” Gon didn’t even try to pretend that he wasn't thinking about the boy, well, man now, every moment of the day.

“You should go.”

“What?” Gon scrambled up to a standing position, towering over the woman.

“Kurapika offered you a place to stay for a while, didn’t he?"

"Yes, but I'm not ready to see Killua yet."

Mito sat next to the boy she considered a son, "Gon, there are some things you're never ready for until you do it."

"What if he doesn't want to see me?"

"Do you still believe that you guys are best friends wherever you go?"

"Of course!"

"Then he'll be happy to see you and if he's not, you'll respect him."

"Thanks a bunch, Aunt Mito!" Gon leaped up from his place on the grass. "I'm gonna call Kurapika." He ran off toward his house, and to where his phone lay on his bed. He dialed Kurapika with shaking hands.

"Hi, Gon." Kurapika sounded happy for once.

"Hey, Kurapika! I wanna hangout. When can I come?" Gon bounced on his toes, excited to see his friends again.

"Killua will be here in a few weeks if you want to come then."

"Does Killua know I'll be coming?"

"He's aware of the possibility. Gon, don't worry about it too much."

Gon sat down on his bed with a frown. "Are you sure? Leorio said he's avoiding me."

"Leorio says a lot of things he doesn't mean."

"You don't have to lie to me."

"Killua is more complicated than that. He's not avoiding you because he doesn't want to talk to you."

Gon had decided. "I'll be there in two weeks."

"Alright. It'll be good to have all four of us together again."

"Yeah! See you soon."

"Goodbye."

Gon hung up, shaking.

~~~

"Stop worrying." Alluka's eye roll was audible through the phone. "I'm gonna be fine."

"Okay, okay. See you when I get back." Killua hung up and turned toward the house Kurapika told him to go to. It reminded him of Gon's home on Whale Island, welcoming and warm. The two-story house was on the smaller side with white walls and open windows. Killua sent Kurapika a text as he began walking toward the home.

"Killua!" The voice was considerably deeper, though still familiar. Killua's eyes tracked the man who eagerly stepped out of the house. He was tall and handsome. His face held the familiar smile as he made his way off the front porch and toward Killua.

Panic flooded Killua's veins. He forced himself to stay still. He was happy to see Gon again. Happy that his best friend stood before him. His heart twisted painfully. Gon looked like his nightmares, built and powerful. But his face looked almost the same. The closer Gon got the more Killua realized the height difference was astonishing. Killua was several inches taller but he still felt like the little boy looking up at his out of control best friend.

"Hey, Gon." Killua shook, trying to keep his voice even and happy. Gon wrapped his arms around Killua's shoulders. Killua moved mechanically to wrap his arms around Gon's middle.

Killua was fine. The thought was too harsh even in Killua's own head. He wanted this. He wanted Gon.

Adrenaline and fear rushed through him. He felt the power in Gon's limbs. The second lasted days as Killua's body screamed at him to run, make a nen barrier, defend himself.

Gon pulled back slightly, looking up to get his mouth by his ear, "you smell afraid." Gon's arms slipped off Killua's shoulders and to his chest. The man gripped Killua's collar in his fists, "Are you afraid of me?"

"What, no-" Killua stopped himself halfway through the lie. They were older. More mature. He understood himself. He's not the boy he once was, trying to avoid talking about his feelings. Killua pulled away, Gon's hands falling away from him, "So what if I am?"

Gon frowned for a second before forcing a smile on his face, "then you're afraid of me." Gon took Killua's hand, "now come on! I think Kurapika is tired of being around just me and Leorio." Killua allowed himself to be pulled up toward the house, hand held softly by Gon.

**Author's Note:**

> @theyoungdoyler on twitter gave me permission to write this inspired by a killugon comic they posted a week or so ago. The last scene is the comic and I just really felt it so here's a work for it. Here's the link: https://twitter.com/theyoungdoyler/status/1249544470808465410?s=19  
> Give the artist a follow, retweet, comment, etc.


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